Throughout the seemingly endless drag of classwork and studying, of seven hours a day sitting at a desk and pretending to listen, of chatting with friends at pep rallies, field trips, in the hallways and, of course, in the midst of class that has defined my life for the past 13 years, I have learned quite a bit about myself. While I used to think that school would never end, I am now faced with less than a quarter to go, and am forced to look forward to four years of college, an experience that seems the same yet different, as freedom expands and studies begin to become more specialized. And as I stand on this precipice, facing the unknown that is the rest of my life, I find myself reflecting on how I have grown and changed throughout these long years. Specifically, I want to reflect on how I came to realize my sexuality and what it means.
I am aroace, meaning I am both aromantic and asexual. Since I know not everyone knows what that means, the simplest way to put it is that I do not experience romantic or physical attraction–I have never had or wanted a partner or so much as a crush. Never have, never will. Now, asexuality is complicated and personal experiences with it vary widely from person to person, like any other identity. I am by no means an expert; I can only comment on what I know and my personal experience. Furthermore, it is common for people to be either aromantic or asexual without the other–they do not always go hand in hand. This is why I prefer the term aroace over asexual–it specifies both. However, it is a less well known term, which can complicate explaining something that people already do not know a lot about. Around 1% of people identify as asexual, and it can take longer to realize than other sexualities, since it is the lack of something rather than the presence of it.
My realization of my sexuality happened gradually. It started when I saw a video of someone explaining their own journey with asexuality. I can not remember if I knew what asexuality was prior to that video, if it introduced the concept to me for the first time or merely put a personal spin on an abstract topic. The video resonated with me, but I did not fully identify with it. Some part of me thought that I only thought that because of the video. Furthermore, their experience differed from mine, preventing me from resonating with it fully. They described attempting to imitate their classmates, choosing someone to have a crush on solely because that was what everyone else was doing and not realizing that their classmates were feeling things they were not. I never did this. Rather, I just assumed throughout my childhood that I was too young to feel that way. I had a sort of “what happens happens” attitude–whenever I contemplated my sexuality I would come to the conclusion that if I met someone and got married then great, and if I did not, also fine. As it turns out, that is not the perspective that allosexual (the opposite of asexual) people have. In my head, this person was always a boy. I believed I was straight because I had never been attracted to a girl, ignoring the fact that I had also never been attracted to a boy. I was raised in a household that is very accepting of LGBTQIA+ people, but I still needed proof to determine that I was gay that I did not need to determine that I was straight, because straightness seemed to be the default.
I fully did not think that I was asexual immediately after watching the video, but as time passed those reservations gradually melted away. I do not have an aha moment when I realized that I was asexual; I simply did not know it and now I do. I came to this conclusion sometime around sophomore year and have since considered how it impacts my life. The first person I told was a friend of mine. We had just gotten out of lifting and she was crushing on the football players at practice. She asked me if I thought they were hot, and I told her that I really would not know. Her perspective on this is that it makes my life much easier to not have to deal with the drama of high school relationships like she does, and she has a point. Personally, I am quite content to rely on platonic friendships like hers.
