December means a variety of things for a variety of people. Young kids run around the Christmas tree in anticipation of gifts appearing underneath it on the white Christmas Day. Parents plan to see family again, and stress over gift ideas according to holiday sales.
However, for students, midterms are at the forefront of their minds, and especially mine as I stare at my C+ in IB HL Honors Precalculus. Rather than studying, I am doing calculations just to figure out a minimum grade I can get on my exam to move my grade up to an acceptable, but still much lower than usual, percentage. The beating in my chest and sense of dreadful hopelessness is unfamiliar and so incredibly unbearable to me.
As someone who fought their way to an A in Honors Algebra II, I had always heard the infamous tales of IB HL Honors Precalculus. Even some of the highest achieving upperclassmen who I had adored so much struggled in this class, and I had never planned on taking it; my GPA was too important to maintain. I thought I had my decision made for my next math course after Honors Algebra II when scheduling season came around. However, I talked with my teacher at the time, and to my surprise, she encouraged me to sign up for the advanced course. Perhaps I was too proud from the praises she gave me, but somehow she turned my perspective of the class around, so regretfully, I signed up.
My first assessment in the fall did not go well, not even to just my own perfectionist expectations, but by all standards. I left half of that quiz blank and I didn’t know how to feel. I proceeded to sob while walking all the way to my car that afternoon, and spiraled into a nervous breakdown about my future success (or lack thereof) in this intimidating class.
This became a common routine again and again over the course of this past semester, and not only did I see virtually no improvement systematically, but also have I gotten closer to an unfortunate truth: I do not belong in this class. The nights filled with self-deprication and comparison to the successful sophomores in my class, as well as the hours spent crying over math in public at the cafe I study at, all contributed to my realization.
It was really hard for me to understand my useless efforts at first. Hard work yields results, and I knew this according to my past experiences pulling all-nighters and sacrificing plans with friends just to study. Why was it that no matter how much time I spent in Math Lab, or however many friends I asked for help, my grades were not improving? There are a few answers to this question, one of them being that this class moves very quickly, and I have thought many times that if I had more time to learn, I would do much better. That might be true, but it is a useless thought and nothing more than a hypothetical. I do not think saying “I am not smart enough” is the right answer, but the truth is: I do not understand, and my other peers do.
However, next to this pile of self-deprecating garbage, I also learned things about myself, and my needs as a person. I have always had an unhealthy relationship with my grades and academic validation, and I would not say it has gotten better through this class since my method of learning has been through exposure therapy. However, it has taught me that it is important to give yourself more grace.
Maybe I am right and I do not belong in this class, but I have recently come to realize that that is okay. This is literally the most I am capable of, and I have learned the boundaries of what I can handle. My brain physically can not handle the fast pace of this class, so why should I blame myself for something I cannot control? There is always going to be someone smarter than you, and I have learned to be content with that. I can only make sure that I try.
It is also important to know that you can only let yourself spend so much time studying. I am proud of the effort I put into working hard, but at some point, I should not let my days be consumed by trigonometry or induction. It is not fair to dedicate all of my free time to working for one class out of my entire schedule, let alone the mountain of interests I have. I am not defined by a single grade, and I have learned to take care of myself by making time to do the things I enjoy.
Experiencing failure now is so important in preparation not only for college, but also for every facet of my life as I continue to mature into a self-sufficient adult. High school feels like my entire world, and that is because it is right now. That often causes me to forget that I have an entire lifetime in front of me after these four years. The world is so inexplicably large and full of life that even if I get a C in Honors Precalculus in high school, this is only a fraction of my life, and my priorities will change as my life continues to move on.
As we all enter this testing season, I want to remind everyone to not get tunnel vision, and that December should also be full of a variety of nostalgic, jolly, and bright moments. Midterms may be the milestone we all look towards for these next few weeks, but social events, holiday traditions, and quality time spent doing what you love should be how we define our self worth and happiness.
